my . chatty . edition .

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Time 2 laugh again ... received jokes from a a fren ... tanks zee ... nw sharing wif u ...

JOKE 1:
A middle-aged guy had just been dumped by his wife. So, he decides to go out and buy a shiny, new red BMW Z-3 convertible. He's driving along at 80 mph, when he sees a flashing light on a police car in the rear view mirror. "What the hell, he can't keep up with a BMW," he thinks to himself. So he floors it. A few minutes later, he's overcome with guilt. "Hey! What am I doing," he thinks? And he slows down and pulls over. The cop asks him for his license, and walks around the car while he examines both. When the cop gets back to the driver's door, he says, "It's Friday the thirteenth. My shift is just about over. I'm tired and I want to go home. If you can give me a good excuse, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a split second and says… "My wife just ran away with a policeman. I thought you were trying to give her back."
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JOKE 2:
An elderly man was driving his Buick down the freeway when his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
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JOKE 3:
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" ask the Englishmen. "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons." "You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over—I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
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JOKE 4:
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me THE EXACT WORDS that were used to put the curse on you." Without hesitation, the old man says, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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JOKE 5:
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water." "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake?"
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JOKE 6:
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
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JOKE 7:
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money and was a real miser. He loved money more than anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." So he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." She said, "I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a cheque".
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JOKE 8:
A panda walks into a restaurant. He sits down and orders some food. The waiter brings the panda his meal. After he eats, when the waiter brings him the check, the panda takes out a gun and shoots him. As the panda is leaving, the owner of the restaurant asks him, "Why did you shoot my waiter?" The panda replies, "I'm a panda. Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out. The owner, now very confused, looks panda up in his dictionary. "Panda: A marsupial that lives in the mountains of China, eats shoots and leaves."
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blogged by ~ t h a r i k a ~

. as said by tharika .
12:31 AM